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The Case Against Marriage
A Book in Progress by Glenn Campbell “Read it or weep!” Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Production Notes This is a ROUGH DRAFT of a book that still needs a lot of work. I have set it aside for now but expect to come back to it later Your feedback is encouraged, but I recognize that the chapters don't yet flow together as they should. FamilyCourtGuy<at>gmail.com |
All of us are sexual creatures. It is programmed into us by our genes.
Sex is obviously needed for procreation, but humans exhibit far more lust
than can be explained by conception alone. Sex is also a bonding
mechanism. It is part of the emotional "glue" that holds couples
together during the long commitment required to raise a
child to adulthood.
Sex may make sense from an evolutionary standpoint, but from the viewpoint of an adolescent just discovering it, it can seem quite bizarre and disturbing. If you analyse it too deeply, sex is Loony Tunes. It makes no rational sense for men to drool over Playboy models merely because of their bulbous shape or for women to lust after... whatever it is women lust after. (You tell me.) Your sex drive is often going to be in conflict with the thinking part of your brain—that is, if your brain actually has a thinking part. Some people seem quite content following their animal instincts and plunging the depths of whatever hottie comes along. If you possess some intelligence, however, things are much more complicated.
If you have a brain, then you have to recognize that obeying your feelings alone can often lead to some very unhappy results. Your animal drives have to be moderated and disciplined by intelligence. Nonetheless, the sex drive is there and can't be totally ignored. You can think of it as the grease that can help get an intimate relationship started.
Children are essentially asexual until puberty, when a seemingly alien mechanism kicks in: They begin to be drawn lasciviously to the opposite gender (or maybe to the same gender, but let's not complicate things). These sensations are visceral, not rational. Boys don't make a logical decision that they like breasts and want to touch them. For that matter, girls don't have any choice about growing breasts or being drawn to guys. The whole change is a frightening Frankenstein experiment—with you being the monster.
Just because you are drawn to the opposite sex doesn't mean you know what to do with them. It may take adolescents a few years to connect the inexplicable feelings inside them to a desire for sexual intercourse. (They can be attracted to the opposite sex even when they still think sex itself is gross.) But even when they understand that sexual attraction draws them toward the sexual act, intercourse itself doesn't really provide any resolution. After you finally have sex, then what do you do?
Sexual attraction can be very cruel that way: It starts you going along a certain path but then gives you no further instructions. Once the attraction is triggered, people don't just want coitus. They have complex emotional expectations for the relationship that are mostly asexual and may or may not be realistically fulfillable.
In a sense, sex is a smokescreen. It is a catalyst that may start a relationship going, but sex alone won't provide any lasting satisfaction, and it doesn't explain what people are really seeking.
What do people really want from romantic relationships? They are looking for self-worth, purpose and relief from their loneliness. These goals have nothing to do with sex. They are "existential" problems—meaning that they arise as a natural product of our existence on earth.
Life, by its nature, is lonely and confusing. We appear on this planet in bodies that are alien to us, living with a family we did not choose, having been given no instruction manual or pre-mission briefing. As we outgrow our family, we find ourselves to be alone and insignificant in a world that doesn't really care about us, at least like we thought our parents did when we were very young.
With a romantic relationship, we hope to fill up this void. We dream of someone who loves us unconditionally the way our parents did. We want a trusted confidante with whom we can share our innermost thoughts and feelings. We want someone who will take care of us when we are ill and protect us from danger. We want them to praise us and maybe even worship us, but we also want them to give us direction and tell us what to do.
There may not be any person on earth who can provide all these services, and we may not be secure enough in ourselves to accept this person even if they walked in the door. Whether our dreams are achievable does not prevent us from having those fantasies whenever we pass a hottie on the street. The monkey part of our brain says, "Mmmmm, me want sex!" but then the higher part kicks in and wants to know whether they will fill all the other empty holes within us.
No relationship can fill up all the empty holes, but as long as we don't expect it to, a romantic engagement may still be worthwhile. Even if the existential problems are our own to solve, there is still value in intimacy.
Intimacy is an intuitive channel of communication between two people who know each other very well. Instead of needing twenty words to say something, you can do it in only two, or maybe with no words at all. Intimacy involves having a shared language and a body of common experience that allow you to convey more subtle meanings than you can share with anyone else.
Intimacy is valuable because it gives you another set of eyes, ears and mental judgments. It's like having a second brain. Whenever you go off track, your intimate partner can presumably tell you this. Intimacy is never perfect, and there will always be some gaps in the communication, but it can relieve at least some of your loneliness by giving you someone to talk to about your problems.
Intimacy is inherently non-sexual, but sex can be used to get it started. There can be huge natural barriers between individuals, and sex is often the only mechanism that can overcome them. Sex at least creates physical intimacy. Emotional and intellectual intimacy may flow from it, but only if the parties are mature enough to handle it.
Once intimacy is achieved, it is a precious treasure that needs to be protected. True intimacy is very fragile and can be lost very easily. After a while, you may find yourself going through the empty motions of intimacy without actually exchanging any information.
If intimacy is the most valuable element of a relationship, then shouldn't this be what we are focussing on? Over time, sex becomes inconsequential, as does the image of the relationship we project to others. All that really matters is how well you and your partner are communicating.
The question, then, is whether marriage is likely to enhance this communication or damage it.
Continued in Chapter 4
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