THE FAMILY COURT PROJECT HAS COME TO A CLOSE.
Effective 6/1/08, Family Court Chronicles has become inactive (announcement), and
no new information will be added. The page below is retained for
archive purposes, but it could be out of date. Upon request,
the webmaster will
continue to correct significant errors and will consider
removing information that is destructively obsolete.
(Email: FamilyCourtGuy (at) gmail.com) See
Glenn Campbell's home page for his still-active websites.
NOTE: This work has been ABANDONED as too long-winded and
repetitive, but you are welcome to get whatever you can from it.
The essential ideas are best summarized in a single page.
Most of my new philosophical musings on relationships, etc. are now found in
Kilroy Cafe. —GC, 5/09
Introduction
The Case Against Marriage - Chapter 1 - 5/13/07
You're probably not going to listen to me, but I'm going to
give it a shot anyway. You've been considering marriage, and
I am here to dissuade you. I'm not against love, mind you,
or even against bonding for life if that's the way things
turn out. It is only the public contract I object to. Why
does a private relationship need a public sanction? Why
can't you negotiate your relationship on your own, as it
unfolds, just between the two of you, without the social or
governmental license?
Instead of enhancing your relationship, marriage might
screw it up permanently,
replacing true attraction with a dull institution.
At the least, it reduces your flexibility, making it harder
to respond to inevitable changes in yourself and your
partner.
There are plenty of married people out there, and I'm not
saying they should get unmarried. We all have to make the
best of our current circumstances. I only want to address
you, the naïve young dilettante, while there is still a
chance to save you.
Let's think this thing through together, shall we? What
does marriage really mean, and what are its practical
effects? Is it really going to help your relationship or
hurt it? What are the legal, social, economic and
psychological ramifications of walking down the aisle? Why
do people think they need marriage, and how are they
deluded?
Gays and lesbians are always crying because they can't get
married in most jurisdictions. I say they should count their
blessings! It is like women fighting for the right to join
the military and go to war. Before you make a big deal about
it, you ought to think things through: "Do I really want to
go to war?" Why should gays fight to join the same prison
everyone else is trapped in?
Gay relationships, in fact, may be leading the way to an
enlightened future that heteros ought to embrace. Think
about it: Gays can't get married, so what do they do?
They piece together the elements of marriage á la carte,
as it suits their needs. If they want to share death
benefits, that make up wills. If they want to share a bank
account, they open one together. They don't try to share
everything all at once from this day forth, which,
legally, is what marriage makes you do. Gays have to
negotiate every act of sharing on a case-by-case basis,
which is the essence of a healthy and dynamic relationship.
In the absence of specific negotiated sharing, they remain free and
independent individuals.
I know something about marriage from having been through it
once. I also see the tail end of the institution as an unofficial observer
of Family Court in Las Vegas. Las Vegas, of course, is the
marriage capital of the world, but you learn far more about
the institution by studying divorces as they pass through
court. There is a Yin and Yang between marriage and divorce.
Campbell's First Law says that the nastiness of the divorce is
proportional to the unreality of the initial delusion.
Divorce is the paying of the piper after an overdose of
fantasy.
During divorce, there is plenty of blame floating around,
but in the end, you have to acknowledge that it was your own
damn fault. You were the one who bought into this fantasy.
Before you got married, you believed the fairytale nonsense,
that this was really going to change your relationship for
the better and make it more "secure". The trouble with
security is that it often works both ways:
In trying to lock out the uncertainties of the world,
you may be locking yourself in a cage that reduces your
own freedom.
Because you
can no longer easily step away, you may have
lost much of your ability to
negotiate with your cellmate. Instead, you make
accommodations and more accommodations and sweep problems
under the carpet until—Kaboom!—things finally
blow up.
People are fundamentally independent entities. The urge to
merge with someone else can be huge, but there is a
practical limit to how far you can go. If you get too close
to anyone for too long, there are bound to be problems. It
is like being handcuffed to the one you love: After the novelty
wears off, it is going to be a pain in the ass to get
anything done. The person you are trapped with
is bound to fray on your nerves. Once you have already shared
everything you can share, you hunger for new
experiences as an independent being
so you can maybe come back later and share again.
The healthiest base position is one of discrete individuality. We should each be self-contained entities with our own careers, assets,
goals and relationships. We should come together with others only as it
suits us, negotiating each engagement on its own merits.
Over time, we might share more of ourselves, and this
is fine, as long as it happens naturally. You never have to
take any "Big Step" to make a relationship work.
Instead, a lot of little steps could
conceivably lead you to the same result. If you move slowly and
incrementally, what you will
probably have in the end is a more solid and stable
relationship, because everything was carefully built stone
by stone to suit your needs, not purchased as a prefabricated unit.
The institution of marriage
replaces an independently constructed relationship
with a single social contract that attempts to
compact years of development into a single sentence: "I do."
It is like buying your diploma from a mail order company rather
than actually going to college. It is a waving of the magic
wand that is supposed to build everything all at once. You
stand up before all your family and friends and say, "This is all I
am ever going to want for the rest of my life." Do you
think that by saying this you are really going to make it
happen?
If it does happen—you remain attached to each other
for life—how do you know
it was really a free choice? Did you stay together
because it was truly the best arrangement,
or was it because you were imprisoned
together and escape was too painful? If you are married,
you are never really going to know.
In this book, we will explore marriage and relationships and
sexual attraction and law and contracts and loneliness and fear.
What are people afraid of when they get married? No
institution can be all positive; there have to be demons
under the surface, and we will try our best to dig them up.
Keywords: marriage cynicism marriage skepticism marriage skeptic
marriage opposition wedding opposition wedding vows wedding opposition
marriage opposing viewpoints antimarriage anti-marriage ban marriage ban wedddings marriage hell wedding hell marriage damnation
opposition to marriage marriage objections marriage objection
marriage objector
“This is a good example of the blind leading the blind. I feel your pain. I've been there. Rage on! However, until sanity returns please avoid giving counsel to others on this topic. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion on any given topic � and since this is America � you are also entitled to voicing that opinion. But let�s appeal to reason here for a quick reality check: Hey You! The young readers of Glenn�s web site! Who would you think is the best person to give �expert advice� on this subject? A) A licensed marriage counselor with a PhD in psychology and twenty years in family practice but who himself is on his 4th marriage (and the neighbors are taking bets on how long this one will last); B) a confirmed bachelor who seems reasonably intelligent but recently went through a short-lived marriage and subsequent divorce (thus the rage!); or C) a person who has been married for more than twenty years and both he and his spouse actually seem happy together? If you answered �A,� then I have a contact for you, but very little hope. If you answered �B,� then by all means read on�this is the website for you! If you said �C,� then congratulations you�ve answered correctly. Now all you have to do is find someone who matches that description! Here�s a hint: You might have to look somewhere other than Las Vegas! Here�s another hint: Go try meeting people at a church.”
— Ernie Bernet 8/6/07 ... RESPONSE
FROM THE WEBMASTER:
How about "D"—somebody who has actually thought things through and isn't relying only on faith and feelings.... I know plenty of people who have worked the same repetitive job for 20 years or more and are perfectly happy with it. That doesn't necessarily mean this is the best mode of life. There is also the matter of accomplishment: Are you accomplishing the most you can in your limited time on Earth. If you don't care about doing anything on Earth but maintaining the status quo and going to church on Sunday, then any cocoon is fine!
—G.C.
“I laughed, I cried, it was the best night of the year!”
— Anonymous 5/13/07
“One of the most insightful analyses of marriage I've ever seen.”
— Female, old, wise, intelligent. 5/15/07
“The online diploma is a fantastic analogy! Thank you.”
— in love with my mate, not married to a keeper 7/17/07
“Just one problem... Totally egocentric, self-absorbed. What about the children? Who sticks around to make a family when the "new" wears off? I think we are the only country in the world with a magazine titled "Self."”
— The Bumper Guard 9/14/07
“After reading this page, I noticed at the bottom, "THIS WEBSITE IS NOT FREE! If you use this website for more than one hour (cumulatively), you are required to pay a user fee of $5 per hour." What a BS line. I didn't agree to a damn thing when I started reading this, and now you're trying to guilt me into thinking I owe you something? Not that I've spent more than ten or fifteen minutes so far, but I have no intention of reading farther after seeing that. Request a donation? That would be fine. I would probably donate if I thought your information was useful and you asked nicely. But you aren't asking nicely. "required to pay a user fee?" How rude.”
— Bye now 5/12/08
“WHY didn't I read this 4 years ago!!!!!!!!!!! now I am married and really want to be unmarried but still in relationship, that's not so crazy”
— sadlycaged 6/12/08
“To me, marriage is the biggest joke around. The only people who profit from it are the guys you have to pay for the ceremony and the guys you have to pay for the divorce. I have never been married but have been in a few relationships where the subject has come up and let me tell you how glad I am not to have been so stupid. I am now 30 years old and very happy to never have been married. My current partner hates the fact that I will never marry him but he says he really loves me so it doesn't really matter as long as we are together. Surely that is a better way to live?”
— happy MISS! 8/14/08
“So, if being married is so bad why the statistics show that most of the people will remarry?”
— Snoopy008 10/9/08
“This was very enlightening. Romance and marriage really do have the potential to be addictive and unhealthy... just like drugs. Who in their right mind wants to be a junkie? Drugs are bad, mmm-kay. If you are happily married then perhaps you can learn a thing or two about how to improve your relationship. If you are not married, or not sure, then perhaps you should read this, and question your relationship. There is a huge moral difference between ourtight selfishness, and being honest with yourself. If you constantly lie to yourself, you end up lying to everyone around you.”
— O. 10/9/08
“Superb analysis! After 12 years of marriage, I can say that every bit of what you have written is true. Horribly, horribly true. Marriage is like the military-industrial complex. It's an institution that serves the status quo, and so it grinds on and is celebrated by those in charge, regardless of the human suffering it causes the rest of us. I will recommend this site, and your book , to every young person I can!”
— 47 year old professional male 10/21/08
“Your bitterness and obvious bias has no place in a book that purports to give advice to others. You are transparently angry and the effect is one of giving you absolutely no credibility. In fact, it's embarassing that you consider yourself competent to give advice. Of course, marriage is hell for many BUT there are MANY happy marriages which it is just not fashionable to read about. The love which is evident within some marriages is to be envied and a blessing and if you were one of the lucky ones then you too, would disregard your rantings. Marriage is not a prison if the two INDIVIDUALS involved fully accept and love each other and GROW with each other. We cannot split children in half - selfishness, such as that which permeates your writing - has led to the disgusting society we live in.”
— 41 year old professional female 11/17/08
“There is only one thing I've learned from this article. You are all idiots.”
— Smarter...than...you. 11/18/08
“Well, in this article there is one fundamental assumption, and that is "People are fundamentally independent entities". People are created by God, and yes, until they are married, are seperate entities. Marriage however, joins people in a spiritual way as much as a physical legal manner. Becoming one with someone is the greatest priviledge there is... to share your life with someone, and to know that, no matter what, they will be there to love and support you. It provides a place for two pople to grow together, to honour their commitment to each other, and to provide a stable environment for children to be brought up in. Yes, some marriages fail, my own parents did, however, more marriages survive, through all the ups and downs, until 'death do we part.'. I am getting married in a month's time, and am looking forward to the amazing prospect of yes, sharing my life with my future husband, and also to our spiritual union as one entity. I hope that one day you will experience the other side of the coin for marriage, and the wonderful partnership it can be.”
— Valentina 11/21/08
“Now this is what I am talking about. Very well written and a subject that I completely agree with you on.”
— 18/f/MI 11/23/08
“Valentina is 100% correct and I wish you a wonderful married life. We are so much more when we wholly love and trust another. Good luck!!”
— Anonymous 11/24/08
“I proposed once, and got cold feet. But sometimes I don't know if I made the right decision. I agree that two people cannot be one. That is a bunch of religious B.S. A non-marriage contract is the way to go. Living together is very nice. I did that with a wonder woman for a few years and wished it would last. I think women in general want marriage because they are less economically secure than men. The real point is why should you sanction government when you really don't have to? As a sovereign individual I want to get as much government out of my life as possible.”
— Bill in Los Angeles 2/7/09
“I truly believe that love and companionship are wonderful and everyone has a basic need to persue these good things. The problem with marriage is that it is exactly the opposite. It is based on hate, exploitation, and abuse. It pushes people apart when they would otherwise be happy together. Marriage is a sick, unnatural perversion of nature. Enough said...”
— drifter1 5/3/09
“Marriage is a delusion created for the sake of family and children. Even though the intention is good, it is still a delusion and built on dreams and false hopes. Most people who don't get divorced live a life of compromises. Married life is a compromised life and is a constant tug of war of ambitions of two differently thinking people. It reminds me of the male spider trying to make love with the black widow spider inspite of knowing that she will try to eat him up at the end of mating. Such is the power of nature's programming. So people will still get married inspite of reading this site and will learn it only through their personal experience.”
— RBV 6/14/09
“Marriage is a set of legal obligations logically. Romantically, it's everything. Unfortunately, romance tends to be unfortunately finite.”
— Disappointed in the truth. 6/14/09
“Absolutely true! Marriage is for the unimaginative.”
— There are NO Fairy Tales 6/22/09
“What is love and why must we spread it”
— Anonymous 6/27/09
“You need to get a life. seriously! Too bad.. your fucking disgusting. Why not take all celebrations down eh? Fuck U!”
— The One and Only ME 7/17/09
“I can relate to a lot of the feelings expressed in this book. People, woman generally, really stuggle with the idea when you tell them you love them but don't want to marry them. It's a societal norm, but not necessarily a healthy one. The committment needs to be privatized again as it was long ago. This all or nothing approach that marriage has doesn't work for independent people these days. The only reason it worked 100 yrs ago was that people were forced to stay married through religion and the woman was forced to be subserviant. I doubt woman will settle for that deal again. I am all for gradual sharing in partnerships. Well done Glenn!”
— CL: Realistic & practical in life 7/19/09
“The only reason that some marriages fails is because they got married for the sake of having a wedding, period. If your partner is TRUELY your best friend and soul mate then compromising is effortless, you WANT to make the other happy so its not a big deal at all. If you got married for all the wrong reasons then thats your own fault, dont go on and scare the ones who truely have something wonderful.”
— Hope 7/20/09
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You're probably not going to listen to me, but I'm going to
give it a shot anyway. You've been considering marriage, and
I am here to dissuade you. I'm not against love, mind you,
or even against bonding for life if that's the way things
turn out. It is only the public contract I object to. Why
does a private relationship need a public sanction? Why
can't you negotiate your relationship on your own, as it
unfolds, just between the two of you, without the social or
governmental license?
