NOTE: This work has been ABANDONED as too long-winded and
repetitive, but you are welcome to get whatever you can from it.
The essential ideas are best summarized in a single page.
Most of my new philosophical musings on relationships, etc. are now found in
Kilroy Cafe. —GC, 5/09
Problems of Selection
The Case Against Marriage - Chapter 23 - 8/1/07
If you believe in arranged marriages, then finding a partner
will be easy
for you. Your elders will choose your mate,
and all you have to do is go along. Likewise, if you believe
that fate or the stars should choose your love, then your job is
effortless. You just have to wait for Prince Charming to walk through
the door, then you run him by your astrologer
to confirm that he is really
the one.
Things get much more complicated if you decide you are going to
deliberately "choose" your own mate. Now the success or failure of the
operation rests on your shoulders and there are plenty of ways things
can go wrong. Compared to trusting the stars, this selection process
can be incredibly stressful, because you don't know for certain whether
you are going to make the right choice.
It is a lot like shopping for an
important object that you will be using
for years, like a washing machine, a car or a house. In the case of
romance, however, the stakes are many times higher. You aren't just
shopping for an appliance; you are shopping for an important part of
your future identity, just one notch below choosing a career. Once you
settle on a product, you are going to be making a huge investment in it
and you expect to be stuck with it for a very long time.
And it isn't just a matter of selecting a product; the product is also
selecting you. Everyone wants the "best" product for the money, but if
you set your standards too high, then you run the risk that the product
you choose won't be interested in you. If only $1000 washing machines
interest you while you have $500 to spend, you're going to walk away
empty handed.
When you come across a potential mate and begin to interact with them, you
do a complex calculation in your head. The first question is, "Am I
attracted to them?" If the answer is yes, then the next one is, "Will
they reject me?"
The fact that you find a movie star attractive doesn't
mean you have any chance with them. The fear of rejection can be huge,
almost as great as the fear of loneliness. Thus, people aren't always
going to shoot for the most appealing candidate. Instead, they'll aim
for the one they think they can realistically bag and take home.
Apart from the fear of rejection, there is also a fear that someone will
become more attached to you than you are to them. You don't want to be
trapped
into a relationship when you yourself have lost interest. What if
you tell someone you like them but then change your mind? How are you
going to escape?
Since you have only one position available, you face a natural dilemma:
What if you settle on one candidate, commit yourself to them, but then
an even better one walks in the door? It is like buying a
house for a certain price, but the next week a better house goes on the
market at a lower price. How do you know, when looking at the first
house, that this won't happen to you?
And what if you are faced with two houses, both on the market at the
same time, both with their pluses and minuses? How do you choose
between the two? You could be like the donkey who has a choice between
two equally enticing bales of hay: He starves to death because he can't
decide which to choose.
All of these factors can confound the selection process.
For example, you are
attracted to a candidate, so you approach them, but what if they turn
around and start pursuing you? At that point, you panic and pull back.
If they're pursuing you, maybe they're desperate, which means there's
something wrong with them. Maybe they're desperate because everyone
else has rejected them, and they aren't really as desirable as you think
they are.
Why would they be attracted to you at all? This fact alone creates
suspicion. As Groucho Marx said: "I wouldn't belong to any club that
would have me as a member."
The only candidates who are unquestionably attractive are those who are
already attached to other mates. The fact that they're attached proves
they are desirable. Their status also allows you to see what they
are really like, because you can observe
them interacting with their partner
under natural conditions and you know they aren't putting on a show for you.
You definitely don't want someone who is as desperate as you are.
Initially, you want a relationship that's cool and casual. You don't
want somebody falling head over heals for you when you aren't ready, but
you also don't want them to be too cool either, because that would mean
they're not really interested in you and might reject you.
Sigh! Sometimes, there seems only one solution to the conundrum
of selection: alcohol, lots of it. At least that reduces the initial
inhibitions. The only problem is the morning-after hangover. You wake
up in bed with someone and wonder how this could have possibly happened.
Is there any place for intelligence in this process? Should you leave
your brain at home? No, the brain can come along,
and it can definitely be
helpful as long as it understands the rules.
A successful romantic connection is going to be a combination of
happenstance and natural selection.
Happenstance will throw you together with certain candidates and not
others. You aren't selecting from all the millions of available
candidates, only those few who you happen to come in contact with
and have a chance to evaluate.
Hopefully, your career and avocations will brings you into contact with
a variety of people. The more open you are to the world, the more
contacts you will make. Then, when a potential candidate comes within
range, selection comes into play.
"Natural selection" is a filtering process that flows naturally from the
the interaction between you,
with no one having to explicitly reject anyone else. In
the absence of sexual attraction, people naturally draw together then
pull apart based on the circumstances. Natural selection allows this
process to proceed on its own.
Natural selection is a communication-based selection system. To make it
work, you talk with the other person and find out what your differences
are. (It is not how you are alike that is important here,
but how you are different.)
If you have a solid identity of your own, then it is easy to detect
when something about them is out of sync with your own beliefs. If you find
something they expound that you don't agree with, you bring it up
in conversation. For example, if you are an animal rights activist, and
you find that the other person is a hunter,
you should challenge them on
it.
Being a hunter in itself isn't necessarily a disqualification. Because
the candidate pool is always limited,
you don't want to be rejecting good
ones on superficial grounds. A dissonent detail like this is just a
warning sign that requires further explanation. If the candidate
doesn't give you a satisfactory response that is consistent with your
own beliefs, then you will raise further objection and obviously your
relationship isn't going to advance much further.
If the hunter calls you up asking for a date, you don't really have to
"reject" them. You just have to emphasize your objection to hunting
and ask them again to explain themselves. You can emphasize your
willingness to negotiate, but you remain firm on your principles. There
is no point in further communication if the relationship is already
blocked on this point. This method of withdrawal is going to be far more
effective in turning them off than coming up with a lame excuse like,
"Sorry, I'm busy tonight."
The person who is right for you is the one who passes all of your most
significant challenges. Remember that you are looking for a clone of
yourself, not someone exotic. If the two of you are in sync on core
issues from the very beginning, then the relationship is likely to
succeed, even if you end up with someone quite different than who you
dreamed of.
Natural selection fails only when you are so emotionally
desperate or insecure in your own identity that you subvert your own
principles. If the other person is invested in something you don't agree
with, and you choose to ignore this substantial difference between you
and not press them on it,
then it is your own fault if you proceed anyway and the relationship doesn't
work out.
